I HATE YOU!

While blog surfing recently, it came to my attention that the process of posting known affectionately as emo ranting is dying out. (Incidentally, if you take it literally enough, emo is just short for emotional. I'm highly amused by how the term emo is more commonly used to describe negative emotions like anger and sadness, isn't elation an emotion too?) Being my bored, easily-amused (but not elitist and uncaring! xD) self, I have made it my latest project to re-educate whoever reads this on the art of the emo rant blogpost.

The most important part of emo-ing, as it is so often termed, is finding the right balance of emotions. Anger, sadness, embarrassment and mental regression are just some of the many plausible options you may choose from.

Upon choosing the combination of emotions you desire to convey, make sure you find a good subject to emo on. A person or persons would work really well, such as parents, friends, teachers, siblings, relatives, boyfriends, girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, random people you meet, random people you didn't meet, the UN, Chelsea etc etc. As you can tell, there is a wide array of options for the potential ranter.

Now that you have your emotions in check and your subject with which to vent them on, it's time to let it loose! However, there are some methods of emo ranting that will set you apart from the rest. These will let all your readers see that you've BOUGHT it, and are not just ranting, if you know what I mean.

Firstly, make sure you have a great title to catch the attention of your reader. You know, to make sure that they're aware of all your emotion. Apart from the traditional favourites like "I HATE YOU" (see mine!) and "YOU RUIN MY LIFE", a modern wave of emo titles is catching on, as ranters become more diverse in their subjects. Examples would include "YOUR FEET STINK" or "Golf IS a sport!", not forgetting the latest in wordy titles like "I Always Knew You Would Go For Someone With Better Looks, Smarts And Personality Than Me".

Next, make sure your post is written in a 2nd person point of view. This is in case the subject of your post happens to read it, so he/she/it will know you are talking TO them. However, make sure you DON'T mention the name of your subject. That way, it leaves all your readers guessing who you're referring to. As they say, ambiguity is the key! (I learnt this from Daniel... geddit? 'As they say'? Nevermind) A good tip would be to start every sentence on a new line, making sure you begin each one with You. A viable alternative to this would be to throw in an italicised sentence written in the 2nd person at random intervals.

This adds so much more drama to your post!

Also, make sure you use as little punctuation as possible this makes it look like you typed it all at one go in a rush of emotion from your recent experience

If you can, try to include some poetry. Better yet, type the whole post as a poem.

If you're not that good;

A poet,

But desperately want to;

Include some poetry in;

Your post,

Then simply;

Italicise;

Everything, and add breaks;

Between.

Looks great,

No?

With that, I have come to the end of my masterclass on emo ranting. I hope you have found it useful, and will apply a thick layer externally the next time you need to release some negative emotion.

p.s. For extra kicks, try reading through the post again, but everytime the words 'emo', 'emotion' or 'emotions' appear, read them as 'waggle' or 'waggles' instead!